Chelsea Marotta

I wrote this two days ago because I needed to drain some thoughts onto paper before they flooded my brain. It was cathartic, I was honest with myself. It isn’t comedy but I really like how it turned out and variety is nice, right? Real Talk under the jump.

I’m breaking my dependence on weighing myself

This week I challenged myself to do yoga every night. Mainly because I have a Tough Mudder in 16 days and need to work on upper body strength but also because I’ve been stressin’ lately and need to take some serious steps to chill out. In addition to nightly yoga I decided to add a bonus challenge for myself. Just for fun, just to see if I can, I am not weighing myself this week. The challenge sounds trivial but I have weighed myself nearly every single morning since sophomore year of high school. On any given day over the past 7 years I could tell you my weight to the half pound (and since I’ve upgraded my scale I know it to a tenth of a pound! Mathematical!). 

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My sister’s favorite past time is to watch shitty movies on my Netflix so every recommendation is about a quirky, young, independent career woman who ventures out of her comfort zone in hopes of self-improvement and, to her surprise, ends up meeting a man she could never love but then she realizes he’s the one. 

For the last time, I don’t want to know about your zany decision to move to Spain and have a baby with your best friend’s gay roommate because you’re both ready and this is the right time but then he dies in a boating accident and you’re forced to do it all yourself and you end up marrying your landlord/male midwife. 

What’s the name for when you’re afraid of birds but not just any birds, very fast low flying birds.

Like when a bird is going so fast and then it runs into your leg and its beak gets lodged in your calf and you’re freaking out but you can’t quite reach it and the bird is freaking out and flapping its wings so you couldn’t really grab it if you wanted to and can birds cry? because you’re pretty sure this bird is crying. you’re definitely crying. oh god, why did this happen?

Anyone know the name for that?

Mumford & Runs: A Speed Workout*

Here’s a fun new workout — it’s called Mumford & Runs. It’s a speed workout for all y’all who want to train hard but don’t want to stop listening to that hip indie-folk the kids are into now days.

It’s easy but I’ll diagram this how-to with gifs so I don’t lose your attention. Go ahead and open up Hopeless Wanderer in another window and let’s break this Mumford & Run down:

0:00-1:07 This part is mad slow. Keep it casual, warm up.

1:08-1:34 Pick up the pace. Mumford & Sons did, you should too!

1:35-2:04 Sprint!

2:05-3:32 Bring it back down. 

3:33-5:00 SPRINT!

Keep going! Do as many Mumford & Runs as you want! Go for the whole album! or cardiac arrest! Whichever comes first!

Bonus: Use songs that get gradually faster (Below My Feet) to pace negative splits!

*I have no idea what I’m talking about

I spent 20 minutes tonight imagining what life would be like for my hypothetical child if I named him/her Buttface. An actual child named Buttface and how all through school teachers would try to pronounce it in a way that wasn’t Buttface and this kid would have to correct them again and again every single year and same goes for substitute teachers and coaches.

I laughed so hard I cried. Baby Buttface has already brought me so much joy.