• Clark Kent: I need to reinvent my look. So much so that nobody can recognize me from what I look like right now.
  • Salesperson: You want a complete and total change.
  • Clark Kent: Yes.
  • Salesperson: A great start would be these glasses --
  • Clark Kent: Here's my card.
  • Salesperson: Sorry, what?
  • Clark Kent: Wrap 'em up.
  • Salesperson: Well we have more.
  • Clark Kent: Just the glasses
  • Salesperson: That's not really gonna --
  • Clark Kent: Just. the. glasses.

I spent 20 minutes tonight imagining what life would be like for my hypothetical child if I named him/her Buttface. An actual child named Buttface and how all through school teachers would try to pronounce it in a way that wasn’t Buttface and this kid would have to correct them again and again every single year and same goes for substitute teachers and coaches.

I laughed so hard I cried. Baby Buttface has already brought me so much joy.

NetiPot 4 Beginners

Yesterday was my fifth day of battling the flu for the second time this flu season. Turns out by Day Five you’ve abused your nose so much you develop anosmia. Tragically, this is also the day you begin to get your appetite back. 

I have never used a NetiPot before today — because I am afraid of willingly funneling a torrent of water into my lungs — but I value my ability to taste food more than I fear death by drowning, so I decided to challenge myself. 

Nobody told me that a NetiPot was just self-serve waterboarding. You try to sort out you sinuses and end up revealing you deepest darkest secrets about yourself.

That’s a lie, I don’t have secrets (double lie-tons of secrets, only secrets). However, after today I have the beautiful and unique ability to breathe again.

I won’t get into gross details but I will tell you where I ran into my biggest snag: My nose is pretty much broken from overuse from the flu. Getting to the point where this process sort of worked was a struggle. At one point I had saline leaking out of both my eyes instead of the other side of my nose. Some people call this crying. 

It worked, though. Soon after long it worked. And, hot damn, I can breathe, smell, taste, and do all those other fun things having a nose affords.

If I’m ever in charge of hiring someone and subsequently touring them about the brownstone-turned-office my tour highlight will be, ‘Here’s our bathroom, hope you’re not bladder shy! It’s nestled between the President’s office and an open conference room so it will without a doubt every time feel like you’re peeing in an echo-y cavern and disturbing the work of everyone on the floor.’

The LIRR was delayed for an hour and I downloaded the Tamagotchi app

I thought downloading the Tamagotchi app would be a fun way to burn through this morning’s delay. This was a lie; I hated it almost instantaneously.

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Arrested Development Brunch Menu

May 26th was just announced as the release date for the new season of Arrested Development. They’ll all be released at once and as humans with no sense of control, we will watch them all in one sitting. Here is a brunch menu to prepare for a viewing party:

  • I Just Blue Myself Blueberry Pancakes
  • Mayoneggs
  • Bangers in the Mouth a.k.a. Just a Sausage
  • Milk of Mother’s Kindness (I won’t be serving any)
  • Unlimited Juice
  • Vodka Rocks and a Piece of Toast